I was asked recently why I haven't blogged....honestly, just too tired, brain-drained by the time I get home. I used to have the luxury of blogging when it was quiet at work, but those times are fewer and farther between now. But I did come across an old blog that I never posted that I think I will post today.....
As the holidays near, I start to have quiet panic attacks. They increase as the 'holidays' near. I think of all the 'tasks' I have before me and my head begins to spin. The planning, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the decorating, the cleaning, the bookings of flights, the chaos, the mess, the noise..........argh. I get so caught up in the 'have to's' that I forget what its really like spending time with our extended families. So it was perfect timing for me to re-read how it feels after they all leave. I'm not going to lie-I like when my life goes back to it's normal, quiet, orderly everyday routine but when they leave, a piece of my heart goes right out the door behind them.
What follows was written last January....
I am all too familiar with loving my family at a distance. I don't love them any less-just differently. It took many many years and even more tears to develop a thicker skin about NOT being at the weddings, the milestone birthday parties even the funerals for that matter. But you adjust. There's no alternative. You get creative, you help support both the telephone and the airline industries.
But tonight I feel blue.
Tonight I am missing my other family. The family that never 'visits', the family who literally move in. Warts and all. Theirs and ours.
They make piles with their stuff ALL over my house. My kitchen table looks like the computer counter at Best Buy. They never recycle the morning paper when they're done and the playing cards are always left out after the last 'au mille' game. Someone is always either thirsty or hungry, there's never NOTHING on the counters and the shoes at the front entrance-oh the shoes-the piles and piles of shoes which they never straighten.....then there's j's little collections here and there, wooden sticks he's found on his latest walk, his collection of little men, his schoolwork books.... My personal favorite this year though was the secret cave he made for himself at the top of my landing. Oh yes, he had 2 pillows, 1 from my couch and one from his bed. 1 blanket. 1 kleenex box. 1 glade candle. 4 books. oh, and a plastic bag for trash hung from the ear of my beloved iron reindeer who sits atop the landing for ALL TO SEE as they enter my house. Need I say more?
Actually I do.
I miss it all. I would honestly happily re-arrange my landing for little j, but this time I wouldn't say a harsh word. Not even as a joke. So the paper sits out all day? So what? Whats another trip to the store for yet more eggs????(C) Who cares that I tripped letting Leo out the back door for all the cords attached to both my wall outlets and their 4 computers?!
I miss j's sleepy face and good morning hug. I miss K's good-natured laugh and our easy friendship. I even miss kibitzing over how to prepare food with (C). My brother-in-law, the chef! I can still see poor Bamma standing at the ready for the next wave of dirty dishes. Always a smile upon her face and a soft word upon her lips.
(This is where I left off last year) Good way to end the blog I think.
My heart still races and I feel several quiet riots in my head as the 'holidays' approach...but it was good timing to find the jewel, to read it, to re-live last Xmas (warts and all) and to be reminded of how much we love and how much we are loved in return by our family.
See you in December!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Happy New Year
It's over.
Presents bought, tree trimmed, house decorated, turkey stuffed, eaten AND thrown out.
Some guests have gone home, some remain.
Memories were made.
2010. A year of contrasts. High highs and low lows.
Many laughs, a few tears. Many lessons learned, some taught.
I am reminded today, of all the blessings I have.
They go not unobserved or unappreciated.
Blessings sometimes are just not where you always had them before. They move about, they change.
I guess we all move about and change.
2011 should be an interesting year then.
A real 'mover' and 'shaker'.
I wish you all the very best, in this brand-new, clean-slate, perfect-so-far, year.
(Don't screw it up!)
Presents bought, tree trimmed, house decorated, turkey stuffed, eaten AND thrown out.
Some guests have gone home, some remain.
Memories were made.
2010. A year of contrasts. High highs and low lows.
Many laughs, a few tears. Many lessons learned, some taught.
I am reminded today, of all the blessings I have.
They go not unobserved or unappreciated.
Blessings sometimes are just not where you always had them before. They move about, they change.
I guess we all move about and change.
2011 should be an interesting year then.
A real 'mover' and 'shaker'.
I wish you all the very best, in this brand-new, clean-slate, perfect-so-far, year.
(Don't screw it up!)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
My long and winding Road, has lead me here.
My last entry was in July. Looking back, I realize just how long I'd been walking uphill. I was tired. I was always tired.
SO...... I looked inward and had a glance outward too-yikes! and summoned the help of the infamous Dr. Bernstein. I decided I was not going to be fat and tired anymore. My inner pou-pounne was screaming to be let out-after all she IS a Montreal girl!!!!
Three months and 40 pounds later (I confess, that its only 35 pounds now--- post Portugal) I AM BACK.
I am a whirling dervish again. I am a fashionista again! NO MORE STANDING IN FRONT OF MY CLOSET WONDERING WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE THE MUFFIN TOP. Egads, I was soooo tired of that daily ceremony. No more spending too much time and money on 'accessories' because I wouldn't admit to myself or the salesgirl that I need a size, well, er, um, 12 or 14 please?
I am free. (insert picture of snoopy dancing here)
Sheesh, it feels so good to share some good news for a change.
SO...... I looked inward and had a glance outward too-yikes! and summoned the help of the infamous Dr. Bernstein. I decided I was not going to be fat and tired anymore. My inner pou-pounne was screaming to be let out-after all she IS a Montreal girl!!!!
Three months and 40 pounds later (I confess, that its only 35 pounds now--- post Portugal) I AM BACK.
I am a whirling dervish again. I am a fashionista again! NO MORE STANDING IN FRONT OF MY CLOSET WONDERING WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE THE MUFFIN TOP. Egads, I was soooo tired of that daily ceremony. No more spending too much time and money on 'accessories' because I wouldn't admit to myself or the salesgirl that I need a size, well, er, um, 12 or 14 please?
I am free. (insert picture of snoopy dancing here)
Sheesh, it feels so good to share some good news for a change.
Friday, August 6, 2010
still alive and kickin'!
Sorry for the long pause.
As you can read, I survived the week-end I left behind my j.
As parents, sometimes we are forced to make decisions we never even imagined. Who could have predicted that my 16 year old son, would be happier living away from his loving parents with his 22 year old brother. IN ANOTHER PROVINCE. Certainly, I assure you, not I.
I tend not to lament. I learned that lesson the hardest way. The "what if" game is a waste of time, energy and just wounds your soul. All this to say that I do not regret the move we made 3 years ago from Calgary to Victoria. Believe me, it was not easy. We gave up tons.
I think however, the toll on my j was heaviest. He never said so. I guess I never really asked either. But somehow, my j changed. He got darker. More quiet. Spent too much time with his XBox and less time interacting with family and friends.
His former passions waned into obligations. His "heart" left the building.......
He was angry. Removed. Sad.
I am no stranger to the alien behavior of teenagers. j is my third, after all.
But most episodes are just that. They pass. You re-adjust and carry on. Sometimes you carry on with a limp, even a fracture, but somehow you all pick yourselves up and carry on.
For j, it was as if he was trying to carry on with a broken wing. No matter how much we allowed, restricted, bribed, punished, cajoled or hollered, he just wouldn't, or maybe couldn't fly......at least not with us...
Today, one month after he has flown the coop, so to speak, j is happy.
I am grateful to J. He is making a difference in his baby brothers life and doesn't really know how important what he is doing is yet. He is no longer a boy. He is a man. A good man. He has a good heart. As "parent" there is no greater accomplishment.
I am eternally grateful to family in Calgary. They are wise, gentle, accepting, and are lovingly teaching j how to fly on his own.
For my j, I am happy, for he is happy.
And, as a parent that is the bottom line.
What doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger. Uh-huh.
I get it now,
As you can read, I survived the week-end I left behind my j.
As parents, sometimes we are forced to make decisions we never even imagined. Who could have predicted that my 16 year old son, would be happier living away from his loving parents with his 22 year old brother. IN ANOTHER PROVINCE. Certainly, I assure you, not I.
I tend not to lament. I learned that lesson the hardest way. The "what if" game is a waste of time, energy and just wounds your soul. All this to say that I do not regret the move we made 3 years ago from Calgary to Victoria. Believe me, it was not easy. We gave up tons.
I think however, the toll on my j was heaviest. He never said so. I guess I never really asked either. But somehow, my j changed. He got darker. More quiet. Spent too much time with his XBox and less time interacting with family and friends.
His former passions waned into obligations. His "heart" left the building.......
He was angry. Removed. Sad.
I am no stranger to the alien behavior of teenagers. j is my third, after all.
But most episodes are just that. They pass. You re-adjust and carry on. Sometimes you carry on with a limp, even a fracture, but somehow you all pick yourselves up and carry on.
For j, it was as if he was trying to carry on with a broken wing. No matter how much we allowed, restricted, bribed, punished, cajoled or hollered, he just wouldn't, or maybe couldn't fly......at least not with us...
Today, one month after he has flown the coop, so to speak, j is happy.
I am grateful to J. He is making a difference in his baby brothers life and doesn't really know how important what he is doing is yet. He is no longer a boy. He is a man. A good man. He has a good heart. As "parent" there is no greater accomplishment.
I am eternally grateful to family in Calgary. They are wise, gentle, accepting, and are lovingly teaching j how to fly on his own.
For my j, I am happy, for he is happy.
And, as a parent that is the bottom line.
What doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger. Uh-huh.
I get it now,
Thursday, July 8, 2010
D-day
Im off tonight to Calgary to transfer ownership of my son. NOT literally-but nonetheless, that IS how it feels.
I have been living a world of "paralells". I do the mundane, almost robotic....you know, the laundry, getting up and getting ready for work, making dinner, brushing my teeth etc....and then, I find myself talking in tongues about "transferring legal guardianship". Huh? Transferring what? Of who? NEVER in a million years, did I think THOSE words would trot out of my mouth-certainly not about one of MY own....my flesh and blood. Oh no, not MY family. This stuff happens to, well, you know, "those" families. We all know the ones I mean.
The funniest thing that has happened during this twilight zone period in my life? My marriage is stronger than ever. We have truly found comfort and resolve in eachother again. We are on the same side. For once. I cannot even count the times we have been at odds over parenting. The endless dicussions come fights over the kids. The sleepless nights wondering if we have damaged them for life with our shortcomings. Did we give them too much discipline? Not enough praise? Maybe we should have taken them to Disneyland after all? And on and on it goes.
I know this for sure. Both P and I love, no, adore our j. If we thought that this move wasn't going to be the best possible solution for us at this time-we would not do it. Do we have reservations? Duh. Too mnay to list. But we have faith in both big J and little j. I know we made mistakes, some BIG ones too, but they were all bourne of love. And I can look in any mirror and say "I always tried my very best".
I will survive this week-end.
I have been living a world of "paralells". I do the mundane, almost robotic....you know, the laundry, getting up and getting ready for work, making dinner, brushing my teeth etc....and then, I find myself talking in tongues about "transferring legal guardianship". Huh? Transferring what? Of who? NEVER in a million years, did I think THOSE words would trot out of my mouth-certainly not about one of MY own....my flesh and blood. Oh no, not MY family. This stuff happens to, well, you know, "those" families. We all know the ones I mean.
The funniest thing that has happened during this twilight zone period in my life? My marriage is stronger than ever. We have truly found comfort and resolve in eachother again. We are on the same side. For once. I cannot even count the times we have been at odds over parenting. The endless dicussions come fights over the kids. The sleepless nights wondering if we have damaged them for life with our shortcomings. Did we give them too much discipline? Not enough praise? Maybe we should have taken them to Disneyland after all? And on and on it goes.
I know this for sure. Both P and I love, no, adore our j. If we thought that this move wasn't going to be the best possible solution for us at this time-we would not do it. Do we have reservations? Duh. Too mnay to list. But we have faith in both big J and little j. I know we made mistakes, some BIG ones too, but they were all bourne of love. And I can look in any mirror and say "I always tried my very best".
I will survive this week-end.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
mother of the year?
Twenty-two years ago, I became a mother. Of all the things I have accomplished in my life, I am most defined by this role. I am one of those women who always knew that children would be my "raison d'etre".
Motherhood. Pretty much all consuming. Especially when you're really IN IT. By that I mean that "mother", is all things to all of her little charges. Tiring as it was to have 3 children under 6 (yikes, that is a scary thought to me now, and yet I DID IT) I executed my mother role with the precision of an army drill Sergeant. When I needed support I simply deferred to my N.C.O. and things ran, for the most part, just tickadee-boo. Don't get me wrong, no child-rearing is without bumps, and sometimes what seemed at the time to be problems as BIG a Mount Everest itself.....but we're all still here and those mountains have been scaled and then some.
My motherhood challenges now are so much more esoteric. I have become less mentor, more observer. I can often see that "wall" that my adult and almost adult charges are about to walk right into-but I must now bite my tongue and hope they don't hit it too too hard. Hope they will recover from the bump and be more mindful of the next wall. I am reminded of another young woman of years ago-namely myself, and the look in my mother's eyes when I was charging full-boar into all of my walls......
Alas, my dear, sainted mother has always said to me that the hardest years were those spent observing. The Not Saying years.
My 16 year-old, my baby, is leaving my nest and flocking to live with his older brother, my eldest. Gulp. I see walls. Layers upon layers of walls. I see.....but I will not Say. I will observe and hope that my charges have been listening when I did Say.......
Ah yes, the fine art of Motherhood. The yin and the yang of it. The "I love you Mommies" and the "God, you have no idea how much I hate you right nows!". I've had them both. Survived both.
In my mind I see this as a good thing. But in my heart......oh my heart......is truly breaking.
Motherhood. Pretty much all consuming. Especially when you're really IN IT. By that I mean that "mother", is all things to all of her little charges. Tiring as it was to have 3 children under 6 (yikes, that is a scary thought to me now, and yet I DID IT) I executed my mother role with the precision of an army drill Sergeant. When I needed support I simply deferred to my N.C.O. and things ran, for the most part, just tickadee-boo. Don't get me wrong, no child-rearing is without bumps, and sometimes what seemed at the time to be problems as BIG a Mount Everest itself.....but we're all still here and those mountains have been scaled and then some.
My motherhood challenges now are so much more esoteric. I have become less mentor, more observer. I can often see that "wall" that my adult and almost adult charges are about to walk right into-but I must now bite my tongue and hope they don't hit it too too hard. Hope they will recover from the bump and be more mindful of the next wall. I am reminded of another young woman of years ago-namely myself, and the look in my mother's eyes when I was charging full-boar into all of my walls......
Alas, my dear, sainted mother has always said to me that the hardest years were those spent observing. The Not Saying years.
My 16 year-old, my baby, is leaving my nest and flocking to live with his older brother, my eldest. Gulp. I see walls. Layers upon layers of walls. I see.....but I will not Say. I will observe and hope that my charges have been listening when I did Say.......
Ah yes, the fine art of Motherhood. The yin and the yang of it. The "I love you Mommies" and the "God, you have no idea how much I hate you right nows!". I've had them both. Survived both.
In my mind I see this as a good thing. But in my heart......oh my heart......is truly breaking.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Random thoughts about not so random things.
Weight: Last week.
Dread. Been avoiding mirrors in fear of seeing that fat-morphed-me taunt me again. God I hate that bitch.
Bought a "spanx". F***!
Weight: This week.
Started to DO SOMETHING about it. Still wearing my "spanx" but down on the scale. Got inspiration now....
Holiday: Last week
Honestly green with envy at reading all of my facebook friends' entries about trips taken, or trips pending.
Holiday: This week
Going to Portugal!!!! Gonna make some memories of my own with my Mama and my sissy. Cannot, will not, have people yelling to "free Willy!" as I walk down the beach. No, no, that will not do.
Menopause: Last week
Still riding that roller-coaster, hanging on for dear life some days, swinging a machete others. Meh, whaddya gonna do, right?
Menopause: This week
Just bought another ticket to ride.......
Life has had its fair share of ups and downs lately. Getting older is certainly not for the faint of heart.
I honestly thought that having 3 children under 6 was the hardest period of my life. There were days that I felt like a trapped animal, ready to chew off my own foot for that elusive sense of "freedom". Days when if one more child uttered the word "Mo-ooom" I would have donated my ears to science. I could not wait until they were all older and less dependant on ME. HA! Little did that young, foolish me know that along with that independence comes free will, and, God forbid, thoughts of their own. Thoughts I certainly did NOT put there. Now don't get me wrong-I do have alot more "me" time these days. And they ARE more independent.
But, would it be so bad if they "needed" me a little? Just a little?
See ya in a few pounds!!!!!
ps. Update on smoking. Still smoke-free. Not missing it.
Weight: Last week.
Dread. Been avoiding mirrors in fear of seeing that fat-morphed-me taunt me again. God I hate that bitch.
Bought a "spanx". F***!
Weight: This week.
Started to DO SOMETHING about it. Still wearing my "spanx" but down on the scale. Got inspiration now....
Holiday: Last week
Honestly green with envy at reading all of my facebook friends' entries about trips taken, or trips pending.
Holiday: This week
Going to Portugal!!!! Gonna make some memories of my own with my Mama and my sissy. Cannot, will not, have people yelling to "free Willy!" as I walk down the beach. No, no, that will not do.
Menopause: Last week
Still riding that roller-coaster, hanging on for dear life some days, swinging a machete others. Meh, whaddya gonna do, right?
Menopause: This week
Just bought another ticket to ride.......
Life has had its fair share of ups and downs lately. Getting older is certainly not for the faint of heart.
I honestly thought that having 3 children under 6 was the hardest period of my life. There were days that I felt like a trapped animal, ready to chew off my own foot for that elusive sense of "freedom". Days when if one more child uttered the word "Mo-ooom" I would have donated my ears to science. I could not wait until they were all older and less dependant on ME. HA! Little did that young, foolish me know that along with that independence comes free will, and, God forbid, thoughts of their own. Thoughts I certainly did NOT put there. Now don't get me wrong-I do have alot more "me" time these days. And they ARE more independent.
But, would it be so bad if they "needed" me a little? Just a little?
See ya in a few pounds!!!!!
ps. Update on smoking. Still smoke-free. Not missing it.
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