mother of the year?

Twenty-two years ago, I became a mother. Of all the things I have accomplished in my life, I am most defined by this role. I am one of those women who always knew that children would be my "raison d'etre".

Motherhood. Pretty much all consuming. Especially when you're really IN IT. By that I mean that "mother", is all things to all of her little charges. Tiring as it was to have 3 children under 6 (yikes, that is a scary thought to me now, and yet I DID IT) I executed my mother role with the precision of an army drill Sergeant. When I needed support I simply deferred to my N.C.O. and things ran, for the most part, just tickadee-boo. Don't get me wrong, no child-rearing is without bumps, and sometimes what seemed at the time to be problems as BIG a Mount Everest itself.....but we're all still here and those mountains have been scaled and then some.

My motherhood challenges now are so much more esoteric. I have become less mentor, more observer. I can often see that "wall" that my adult and almost adult charges are about to walk right into-but I must now bite my tongue and hope they don't hit it too too hard. Hope they will recover from the bump and be more mindful of the next wall. I am reminded of another young woman of years ago-namely myself, and the look in my mother's eyes when I was charging full-boar into all of my walls......

Alas, my dear, sainted mother has always said to me that the hardest years were those spent observing. The Not Saying years.

My 16 year-old, my baby, is leaving my nest and flocking to live with his older brother, my eldest. Gulp. I see walls. Layers upon layers of walls. I see.....but I will not Say. I will observe and hope that my charges have been listening when I did Say.......

Ah yes, the fine art of Motherhood. The yin and the yang of it. The "I love you Mommies" and the "God, you have no idea how much I hate you right nows!". I've had them both. Survived both.

In my mind I see this as a good thing. But in my heart......oh my heart......is truly breaking.

Random thoughts about not so random things.

Weight: Last week.

Dread. Been avoiding mirrors in fear of seeing that fat-morphed-me taunt me again. God I hate that bitch.
Bought a "spanx". F***!

Weight: This week.
Started to DO SOMETHING about it. Still wearing my "spanx" but down on the scale. Got inspiration now....

Holiday: Last week

Honestly green with envy at reading all of my facebook friends' entries about trips taken, or trips pending.

Holiday: This week
Going to Portugal!!!! Gonna make some memories of my own with my Mama and my sissy. Cannot, will not, have people yelling to "free Willy!" as I walk down the beach. No, no, that will not do.

Menopause: Last week

Still riding that roller-coaster, hanging on for dear life some days, swinging a machete others. Meh, whaddya gonna do, right?

Menopause: This week
Just bought another ticket to ride.......

Life has had its fair share of ups and downs lately. Getting older is certainly not for the faint of heart.

I honestly thought that having 3 children under 6 was the hardest period of my life. There were days that I felt like a trapped animal, ready to chew off my own foot for that elusive sense of "freedom". Days when if one more child uttered the word "Mo-ooom" I would have donated my ears to science. I could not wait until they were all older and less dependant on ME. HA! Little did that young, foolish me know that along with that independence comes free will, and, God forbid, thoughts of their own. Thoughts I certainly did NOT put there. Now don't get me wrong-I do have alot more "me" time these days. And they ARE more independent.

But, would it be so bad if they "needed" me a little? Just a little?

See ya in a few pounds!!!!!

ps. Update on smoking. Still smoke-free. Not missing it.