Twenty-two years ago, I became a mother. Of all the things I have accomplished in my life, I am most defined by this role. I am one of those women who always knew that children would be my "raison d'etre".
Motherhood. Pretty much all consuming. Especially when you're really IN IT. By that I mean that "mother", is all things to all of her little charges. Tiring as it was to have 3 children under 6 (yikes, that is a scary thought to me now, and yet I DID IT) I executed my mother role with the precision of an army drill Sergeant. When I needed support I simply deferred to my N.C.O. and things ran, for the most part, just tickadee-boo. Don't get me wrong, no child-rearing is without bumps, and sometimes what seemed at the time to be problems as BIG a Mount Everest itself.....but we're all still here and those mountains have been scaled and then some.
My motherhood challenges now are so much more esoteric. I have become less mentor, more observer. I can often see that "wall" that my adult and almost adult charges are about to walk right into-but I must now bite my tongue and hope they don't hit it too too hard. Hope they will recover from the bump and be more mindful of the next wall. I am reminded of another young woman of years ago-namely myself, and the look in my mother's eyes when I was charging full-boar into all of my walls......
Alas, my dear, sainted mother has always said to me that the hardest years were those spent observing. The Not Saying years.
My 16 year-old, my baby, is leaving my nest and flocking to live with his older brother, my eldest. Gulp. I see walls. Layers upon layers of walls. I see.....but I will not Say. I will observe and hope that my charges have been listening when I did Say.......
Ah yes, the fine art of Motherhood. The yin and the yang of it. The "I love you Mommies" and the "God, you have no idea how much I hate you right nows!". I've had them both. Survived both.
In my mind I see this as a good thing. But in my heart......oh my heart......is truly breaking.