Monday, October 26, 2009
7 more days have come and gone without "getting into shape." Oh, how I hate those 3 little words. They sound so easy. 'Getting into shape.' They're not even menacing like BEING IN SHAPE or GOD FORBID Staying in Shape. No --- they're gentle and promising, merely, 'getting' into shape. No expectations, no fait accomplis attached. Just getting there, that's all.
I have never thought of myself as lazy before. Truth be known I'm downright slothful......the epitome of laziness when it comes to exercise.
I can stand on my feet for 12 hours cooking, baking, creating feasts. I can organize events down to the last minute detail. I can run my children all over town -all day long. I can do all these 3 things simultaneously if I had to. Honestly I could.
Go ahead, ask me to go for an hours walk. I will come up with a million excuses, turn around, grab something out of the fridge, plop myself on the couch and just sit there.
Its a loathing that surprises even me.
I either need a phychiatrist or a crane.
I wish I could spout my old baby steps rhetoric at you, but hell, Im still in infancy on this one.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Me, of little willpower when it comes to self-denial and even less character when it comes to self-discipline.
To be totally honest with you all, I didn't think I would be successful. I LOVED smoking. If you remember, I did this, not for either my health or wellness, but at the urging of my eldest son. I just couldn't take "the look" from him anymore. He shamed me into this.
Smoking is fully accepted in my inner sanctum. Many close friends and family indulge quite openly and happily.
What baffles me is this sudden repulsion that I physically feel in both my nostrils and the pit of my stomach as I pass a smoker. HOW and WHEN did that happen?!
OMG! DID I SMELL THAT BAD????? ugh.
OK. One demon down.
Now onto another stark truth. I am gaining weight. 8 pounds to be exact.
OMG!!! DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS????? ugh.
But I tell those awful doubts and insecurities in my head that "If I can turn my back on my good buddy SMOKING, I can conquer my apathy and reluctance to get off my couch and face my other demon......exercise".
I feel another QUEST comin' on........
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
After all the preparations were said and done and the meal was served, I paused and looked around my table of plenty and said a silent "thank-you."
Not ALL of my nearest and dearest were at that table, but my heart was not filled with a sense of longing, but rather with a deep satisfaction and a quiet peace that made me smile.
I don't know how many of those "moments" each of us are granted in 1 lifetime, but I was grateful for that moment. Fleeting as it was. It was.
I pray that my decision to quit smoking will permit me more of these "moments".
When it's all said and done, aren't the moments in your life worth more than the days of your life?
To quote Shelby in "Steel Magnolias" "Mama, I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."
If not smoking can offer some more "wonderful", so be it. I can give up "nothing special".
Monday, October 5, 2009
Came MIGHTY close to lighting up yesterday.
Everybody has buttons. Everybody has button "pushers". Some pushers are more powerful than others. My "pusher" is my beloved. He is an ace at my buttons. He has known them intimately for over 33 years....he knows them "by heart."Here's the story.
We are transferring ownership of OUR car to our son who lives in Calgary. My "Beloved" drives to Calgary to make the drop off. Arrives safely. All's well.
Innocently I pick up my phone to place a "happy" call to check in on my 2 men now in Calgary. BIG mistake. "Beloved" has hit a roadblock with both the registration of the car and sons financial situation. Blame, like a pinball ball starts getting tossed about-from his corner, to mine, oops back to mine again, and there it stays, clanging every bell and whistle inside my head.
I INSTANTLY revert back into smoking mode. My inner-voice starts taunting me with "ahhhhhhhhhhh, you know, a cigarette would calm you right down right about now" "c'mon go ahead-who's gonna know?" "you can blame it all on Him" "you know you want to....".
I wanted to. REALLY wanted to.
But I didn't. And it passed.
I won that battle too. That makes 2 battles in as many weeks. 1 Social and 1 stress-induced.
Dare I say that maybe, just maybe, I have some of my bad habits a little "licked".
It'd be a long, scary fall all the way back down again.....the road back up would just be too damn hard.
And so today is yet another day I chose NOT to smoke.
Small victory, I know.
But it is mine. All mine.