D-day

Im off tonight to Calgary to transfer ownership of my son. NOT literally-but nonetheless, that IS how it feels.

I have been living a world of "paralells". I do the mundane, almost robotic....you know, the laundry, getting up and getting ready for work, making dinner, brushing my teeth etc....and then, I find myself talking in tongues about "transferring legal guardianship". Huh? Transferring what? Of who? NEVER in a million years, did I think THOSE words would trot out of my mouth-certainly not about one of MY own....my flesh and blood. Oh no, not MY family. This stuff happens to, well, you know, "those" families. We all know the ones I mean.


The funniest thing that has happened during this twilight zone period in my life? My marriage is stronger than ever. We have truly found comfort and resolve in eachother again. We are on the same side. For once. I cannot even count the times we have been at odds over parenting. The endless dicussions come fights over the kids. The sleepless nights wondering if we have damaged them for life with our shortcomings. Did we give them too much discipline? Not enough praise? Maybe we should have taken them to Disneyland after all? And on and on it goes.

I know this for sure. Both P and I love, no, adore our j. If we thought that this move wasn't going to be the best possible solution for us at this time-we would not do it. Do we have reservations? Duh. Too mnay to list. But we have faith in both big J and little j. I know we made mistakes, some BIG ones too, but they were all bourne of love. And I can look in any mirror and say "I always tried my very best".

I will survive this week-end.

mother of the year?

Twenty-two years ago, I became a mother. Of all the things I have accomplished in my life, I am most defined by this role. I am one of those women who always knew that children would be my "raison d'etre".

Motherhood. Pretty much all consuming. Especially when you're really IN IT. By that I mean that "mother", is all things to all of her little charges. Tiring as it was to have 3 children under 6 (yikes, that is a scary thought to me now, and yet I DID IT) I executed my mother role with the precision of an army drill Sergeant. When I needed support I simply deferred to my N.C.O. and things ran, for the most part, just tickadee-boo. Don't get me wrong, no child-rearing is without bumps, and sometimes what seemed at the time to be problems as BIG a Mount Everest itself.....but we're all still here and those mountains have been scaled and then some.

My motherhood challenges now are so much more esoteric. I have become less mentor, more observer. I can often see that "wall" that my adult and almost adult charges are about to walk right into-but I must now bite my tongue and hope they don't hit it too too hard. Hope they will recover from the bump and be more mindful of the next wall. I am reminded of another young woman of years ago-namely myself, and the look in my mother's eyes when I was charging full-boar into all of my walls......

Alas, my dear, sainted mother has always said to me that the hardest years were those spent observing. The Not Saying years.

My 16 year-old, my baby, is leaving my nest and flocking to live with his older brother, my eldest. Gulp. I see walls. Layers upon layers of walls. I see.....but I will not Say. I will observe and hope that my charges have been listening when I did Say.......

Ah yes, the fine art of Motherhood. The yin and the yang of it. The "I love you Mommies" and the "God, you have no idea how much I hate you right nows!". I've had them both. Survived both.

In my mind I see this as a good thing. But in my heart......oh my heart......is truly breaking.

Random thoughts about not so random things.

Weight: Last week.

Dread. Been avoiding mirrors in fear of seeing that fat-morphed-me taunt me again. God I hate that bitch.
Bought a "spanx". F***!

Weight: This week.
Started to DO SOMETHING about it. Still wearing my "spanx" but down on the scale. Got inspiration now....

Holiday: Last week

Honestly green with envy at reading all of my facebook friends' entries about trips taken, or trips pending.

Holiday: This week
Going to Portugal!!!! Gonna make some memories of my own with my Mama and my sissy. Cannot, will not, have people yelling to "free Willy!" as I walk down the beach. No, no, that will not do.

Menopause: Last week

Still riding that roller-coaster, hanging on for dear life some days, swinging a machete others. Meh, whaddya gonna do, right?

Menopause: This week
Just bought another ticket to ride.......

Life has had its fair share of ups and downs lately. Getting older is certainly not for the faint of heart.

I honestly thought that having 3 children under 6 was the hardest period of my life. There were days that I felt like a trapped animal, ready to chew off my own foot for that elusive sense of "freedom". Days when if one more child uttered the word "Mo-ooom" I would have donated my ears to science. I could not wait until they were all older and less dependant on ME. HA! Little did that young, foolish me know that along with that independence comes free will, and, God forbid, thoughts of their own. Thoughts I certainly did NOT put there. Now don't get me wrong-I do have alot more "me" time these days. And they ARE more independent.

But, would it be so bad if they "needed" me a little? Just a little?

See ya in a few pounds!!!!!

ps. Update on smoking. Still smoke-free. Not missing it.

Oh such a sight.....beh, WHO CARES?

As you all know, I am becoming secretly addicted to my local gym, actually having quite an intimate affair with treadmill #3 at least 4 times a week. (P., it seems, has never been THAT lucky!!!!!)

I have taken to leaving work and going straight to the gym. Trust me, if I should go home, my body instinctively heads for the bed and the remote and I am toast for the remainder of the evening. Sad, but true.

I change out of my "9 to 5's" and like Superman, put on my "work-out" duds, and am transformed. No longer Marge 40-something quickly on her way to 50-something...........Nope. I become "SUPER MARGE OF THE TREADMILL" able to motor at 4.2mph at a 6.0 incline!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH.

I get so lost within the lyrics (usually of Eminem) that I forget where I am and most importantly what I'm doing. I actually caught myself drumming to the music yesterday. eesh. I'm sure the cyclists DIRECTLY behind me were simultaneously chuckling and thanking God that I was not THEIR mother. Again,eesh. But that feeling is oh so fleeting......Because I am no longer 30-something and therefore, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT People are thinking!!!!

So you see all you "grasshoppers" out there......growing "older" does have its advantages.

"I" am back. but different.

OK. I know I haven't "blogged" for a long time.

Been in a funk of sorts.

It's never good when your heart is not quite "right", when your place in the world feels unsteady under your feet.

Being, of a "certain" age comes with so many disclaimers, for lack of a better term.
1) I am MUCH wiser than I was 10 years ago.
AND YET........
I went over 2 months not speaking with one of the most important people in my life. Hmph, I really should know better.

2) I am much "calmer" than I was 10 years go.
AND YET........
I hear the trepidation in the voices of my loved ones when they must question something I have said and or done. Who knew that menopause could instill such fear????? Funny, this leaves me feeling more "powerless" than "powerful".

3) I am much more aware of my year of birth. Certainly more than I was 10 years ago.
AND YET..........
It reminds me daily that I have already LIVED most of my life and that it really IS downhill from here. I mean that in terms of years, not quailty of life. I refuse to let "things go" that I really want to experience. Cannot deny this new/older
"me" of anything these days.

4) I am alot "fitter" than I was 10 years ago.

AND YET.................
The scale does not reflect any decrease in the ridiculously obnoxious number that appears beneath my feet. AND I DON'T CARE. Now, THAT is certainly different.

5) I am realistic, pragmatic in the way I look at lifespan.
AND YET................
It seems lately that I know a disproportionate number of people who are either ill, dying or dead. And this still surprises me. I think Id better get used to this new theme in my life. The adult in me just realizes that this is the natural blah, blah, blah, but the kid in me thinks that IT SUCKS. BIG time.

6) I am more "accepting" of most things, especially myself.
AND YET..................
I cringe when I see my fat little face (to match my fat and fit body) in every photograph I see) and yet I will not "NOT" have that piece of deep dark decadent moist frosted chocolate cake.

So you see, all this to say that the older we get, things get clearer.
And muddy things, well, they just get muddier.

.....someone saved my life tonight......

WRINKLES is safe!!!!

Ca had major water damage to anything on the floor, but most of her belongings are still intact. Especially "Wrinkles". She is thrilled beyond words.

She is still homeless, per say, her building is inhabitable and set for demolition.

Still a tragedy, but no human life was taken, and no stuffed life either.

Phew.

.....a journey of 1000 miles.....

Up in smoke.

Ca lost her home. In a fire. Its all gone. Everything.

Ca is the daughter of one of my very nearest and dearest friends, (more like a surrogate sister actually.)

My heart is broken for Ca.

Yes, we have all tried to soothe her with platitudes of hope and gratitude that she was safe and unharmed. And yes, Ca. understands all that.

But she lost her home. HER HOME.

Ca is like her mother who is like me. WE LOVE OUR HOMES. Nothing is happenstance. We have painstakingly decorated every nook and cranny to reflect exactly who we are. This young woman had just begun her journey into "adulthood", "independence" "freedom of expression" with the purchase of her very first home.

Ca has always prided herself with liking the "finer" things in life. It was a source of amusement for all who know and love her. We often chided Ca about being a little "princessy" and having filet mignon taste on a hamburger budget.

So when I spoke to her this morning, I was surprised to hear her mourn the loss of "Wrinkles" above all else. Wrinkles? Yup. WRINKLES. A stuffed doggie given to her from her maternal Nonno when she was 3 years old who has since passed. "Everything else, I can replace." Sob.

In that moment, Ca WAS 3 again. I wanted to put on my Superman cape and fly around the earth and turn back time, if only to save Wrinkles. I wanted to crawl through my telephone line and hug her with all my might and tell her everything would be OK.

Sometimes being a grown-up sucks.

Ca will survive. Dare I say she may even be better, stronger, wiser.

Still, all in all, the whole situation just sucks.