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Thursday, April 15, 2010

"I" am back. but different.

OK. I know I haven't "blogged" for a long time.

Been in a funk of sorts.

It's never good when your heart is not quite "right", when your place in the world feels unsteady under your feet.

Being, of a "certain" age comes with so many disclaimers, for lack of a better term.
1) I am MUCH wiser than I was 10 years ago.
AND YET........
I went over 2 months not speaking with one of the most important people in my life. Hmph, I really should know better.

2) I am much "calmer" than I was 10 years go.
AND YET........
I hear the trepidation in the voices of my loved ones when they must question something I have said and or done. Who knew that menopause could instill such fear????? Funny, this leaves me feeling more "powerless" than "powerful".

3) I am much more aware of my year of birth. Certainly more than I was 10 years ago.
AND YET..........
It reminds me daily that I have already LIVED most of my life and that it really IS downhill from here. I mean that in terms of years, not quailty of life. I refuse to let "things go" that I really want to experience. Cannot deny this new/older
"me" of anything these days.

4) I am alot "fitter" than I was 10 years ago.

AND YET.................
The scale does not reflect any decrease in the ridiculously obnoxious number that appears beneath my feet. AND I DON'T CARE. Now, THAT is certainly different.

5) I am realistic, pragmatic in the way I look at lifespan.
AND YET................
It seems lately that I know a disproportionate number of people who are either ill, dying or dead. And this still surprises me. I think Id better get used to this new theme in my life. The adult in me just realizes that this is the natural blah, blah, blah, but the kid in me thinks that IT SUCKS. BIG time.

6) I am more "accepting" of most things, especially myself.
AND YET..................
I cringe when I see my fat little face (to match my fat and fit body) in every photograph I see) and yet I will not "NOT" have that piece of deep dark decadent moist frosted chocolate cake.

So you see, all this to say that the older we get, things get clearer.
And muddy things, well, they just get muddier.


  1. SO HAPPY to see you back again Sista, have missed your ascerbic wit and cutting edge insight into life. WELCOME BACK and keep it up even if this posting with fricking depressing. Love you!

  2. Yo yo sista, edit your commenting section to allow for 'Anonymous' commenters such as Bamma.

  3. Sista!!

    Oh dear....I remember those feelings SO well...but trust me..the older you get, the younger you'll start to feel (mostly because you have no choice!!)

    THus spaketh elderly sage wisdom.....Love, Bamma

  4. Ok, my comment disappeared :(

    Despite a slight differnece in ages, I identify with a lot of what you wrote here. I admire the way you acknowledge the changes in your life and meet them head on!