memories of xmas past.....

I was asked recently why I haven't blogged....honestly, just too tired, brain-drained by the time I get home. I used to have the luxury of blogging when it was quiet at work, but those times are fewer and farther between now. But I did come across an old blog that I never posted that I think I will post today.....

As the holidays near, I start to have quiet panic attacks. They increase as the 'holidays' near. I think of all the 'tasks' I have before me and my head begins to spin. The planning, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the decorating, the cleaning, the bookings of flights, the chaos, the mess, the noise..........argh. I get so caught up in the 'have to's' that I forget what its really like spending time with our extended families. So it was perfect timing for me to re-read how it feels after they all leave. I'm not going to lie-I like when my life goes back to it's normal, quiet, orderly everyday routine but when they leave, a piece of my heart goes right out the door behind them.

What follows was written last January....

I am all too familiar with loving my family at a distance. I don't love them any less-just differently. It took many many years and even more tears to develop a thicker skin about NOT being at the weddings, the milestone birthday parties even the funerals for that matter. But you adjust. There's no alternative. You get creative, you help support both the telephone and the airline industries.

But tonight I feel blue.

Tonight I am missing my other family. The family that never 'visits', the family who literally move in. Warts and all. Theirs and ours.

They make piles with their stuff ALL over my house. My kitchen table looks like the computer counter at Best Buy. They never recycle the morning paper when they're done and the playing cards are always left out after the last 'au mille' game. Someone is always either thirsty or hungry, there's never NOTHING on the counters and the shoes at the front entrance-oh the shoes-the piles and piles of shoes which they never straighten.....then there's j's little collections here and there, wooden sticks he's found on his latest walk, his collection of little men, his schoolwork books.... My personal favorite this year though was the secret cave he made for himself at the top of my landing. Oh yes, he had 2 pillows, 1 from my couch and one from his bed. 1 blanket. 1 kleenex box. 1 glade candle. 4 books. oh, and a plastic bag for trash hung from the ear of my beloved iron reindeer who sits atop the landing for ALL TO SEE as they enter my house. Need I say more?

Actually I do.

I miss it all. I would honestly happily re-arrange my landing for little j, but this time I wouldn't say a harsh word. Not even as a joke. So the paper sits out all day? So what? Whats another trip to the store for yet more eggs????(C) Who cares that I tripped letting Leo out the back door for all the cords attached to both my wall outlets and their 4 computers?!

I miss j's sleepy face and good morning hug. I miss K's good-natured laugh and our easy friendship. I even miss kibitzing over how to prepare food with (C). My brother-in-law, the chef! I can still see poor Bamma standing at the ready for the next wave of dirty dishes. Always a smile upon her face and a soft word upon her lips.

(This is where I left off last year) Good way to end the blog I think.

My heart still races and I feel several quiet riots in my head as the 'holidays' approach...but it was good timing to find the jewel, to read it, to re-live last Xmas (warts and all) and to be reminded of how much we love and how much we are loved in return by our family.

See you in December!