Life's a ride alright!

One of my favorite quotes from one of my Top Five Fave movies. "PARENTHOOD"

Grandma: 'You know, when I was 19 your Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: 'Oh?'
Grandma: 'Up and down, up and down. Oh! What a ride!
Gil: 'Gee, what a great story.....'
Grandma: 'I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, and so excited and so thrilled all together!
Some.........didn't like it.
They went on the merry-go-round.
That just goes around and around.
Nothing.
I like the roller coaster.
You get more out of it'

P and I have been riding a Mother of a roller-coaster this past week. Frightening? Check. Sick to our stomachs scared? Check. Check that one twice.

P was offered a position that could have taken us away from our beloved haven back to Alberta-Edmonton to be exact. EDMONTON!

Out came paper and pen. Two columns ensued. Pros and cons. They matched up evenly on both sides. Whatever we gave up in Victoria-we made up for in Edmonton.

We were prepared to stand united and once again hop onto the roller coaster.

Fatefully-we didn't HAVE to.

Gratefully-we shared our dilemma with the people who matter most to us and again respectfully we listened....

We didn't get the opportunity to be with 'old' friends and family again....
But we did learn that 'new' friends hold us dear in their hearts too.

Yep, it was scary , but so well worth the ride.

Le plus ca change.......

Whoa, it's been forever since I've put thoughts to paper, so to speak.

I've been enjoying a relative sense of peace and all-round well-being since the New Year. The smoking addiction is officially dead-I wouldn't even if I could now. Even if I was given just 6 months to live, I wouldn't light up. It repulses me. I've managed to keep my weight at a steady 5 to 7 pounds over my "goal" weight. That elusive magic number, remains elusive if attainable with much more denial than I am ready to suffer. But I am careful and have given up the wonderful gluttony enjoyed at Christmas. It helps that my partners in crime have left the building. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE PEOPLE.

Work is going great. I love my job. I would do it for free if I had to. Yep, really. I get to meet the most inspirational people and feel like every once in awhile we make a real difference in someones life. Need I say more? I'll never be wealthy in the pocketbook, but I am a very rich woman if measured by the warm-fuzzies I get on almost a daily basis. My heart-bank is full up.

Life at home is good too. One of my nearest and dearest friends and I have this quirky little saying "Thank God for our boring, little lives". To us, this means that we are happy. Not too many high-highs nor low-lows. Keeping it real. I am looking forward to a possible holiday in Portugal again this summer. Talk about warm fuzzies. That place touched a part of me and I need to return, I wasn't quite finished savouring it......

My children remain my greatest source of pride as well as concern. 2 seem to be well on their way, but let's just say that one needs a little more time in that oven which is life.....not quite 'done' yet, I'm afraid. You'd think we'd have that recipe down pat by now....that would be way too easy though, wouldn't it?

Thanks for reading. I've really missed writing, it feels good.

Talk to you soon.



THE NEXT DAY: Well, well, well, I should have waited until tempting the fates with 'my boring little life' talk......Life as it does, came a knocking yesterday and threw my boring little life on its ass. Gotta BIG decision to make now. You gotta love life and the way it keeps you guessing. I'll fill you in when I know more. (Don't ya just love a mystery?)

memories of xmas past.....

I was asked recently why I haven't blogged....honestly, just too tired, brain-drained by the time I get home. I used to have the luxury of blogging when it was quiet at work, but those times are fewer and farther between now. But I did come across an old blog that I never posted that I think I will post today.....

As the holidays near, I start to have quiet panic attacks. They increase as the 'holidays' near. I think of all the 'tasks' I have before me and my head begins to spin. The planning, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the decorating, the cleaning, the bookings of flights, the chaos, the mess, the noise..........argh. I get so caught up in the 'have to's' that I forget what its really like spending time with our extended families. So it was perfect timing for me to re-read how it feels after they all leave. I'm not going to lie-I like when my life goes back to it's normal, quiet, orderly everyday routine but when they leave, a piece of my heart goes right out the door behind them.

What follows was written last January....

I am all too familiar with loving my family at a distance. I don't love them any less-just differently. It took many many years and even more tears to develop a thicker skin about NOT being at the weddings, the milestone birthday parties even the funerals for that matter. But you adjust. There's no alternative. You get creative, you help support both the telephone and the airline industries.

But tonight I feel blue.

Tonight I am missing my other family. The family that never 'visits', the family who literally move in. Warts and all. Theirs and ours.

They make piles with their stuff ALL over my house. My kitchen table looks like the computer counter at Best Buy. They never recycle the morning paper when they're done and the playing cards are always left out after the last 'au mille' game. Someone is always either thirsty or hungry, there's never NOTHING on the counters and the shoes at the front entrance-oh the shoes-the piles and piles of shoes which they never straighten.....then there's j's little collections here and there, wooden sticks he's found on his latest walk, his collection of little men, his schoolwork books.... My personal favorite this year though was the secret cave he made for himself at the top of my landing. Oh yes, he had 2 pillows, 1 from my couch and one from his bed. 1 blanket. 1 kleenex box. 1 glade candle. 4 books. oh, and a plastic bag for trash hung from the ear of my beloved iron reindeer who sits atop the landing for ALL TO SEE as they enter my house. Need I say more?

Actually I do.

I miss it all. I would honestly happily re-arrange my landing for little j, but this time I wouldn't say a harsh word. Not even as a joke. So the paper sits out all day? So what? Whats another trip to the store for yet more eggs????(C) Who cares that I tripped letting Leo out the back door for all the cords attached to both my wall outlets and their 4 computers?!

I miss j's sleepy face and good morning hug. I miss K's good-natured laugh and our easy friendship. I even miss kibitzing over how to prepare food with (C). My brother-in-law, the chef! I can still see poor Bamma standing at the ready for the next wave of dirty dishes. Always a smile upon her face and a soft word upon her lips.

(This is where I left off last year) Good way to end the blog I think.

My heart still races and I feel several quiet riots in my head as the 'holidays' approach...but it was good timing to find the jewel, to read it, to re-live last Xmas (warts and all) and to be reminded of how much we love and how much we are loved in return by our family.

See you in December!

Happy New Year

It's over.

Presents bought, tree trimmed, house decorated, turkey stuffed, eaten AND thrown out.

Some guests have gone home, some remain.

Memories were made.

2010. A year of contrasts. High highs and low lows.

Many laughs, a few tears. Many lessons learned, some taught.

I am reminded today, of all the blessings I have.

They go not unobserved or unappreciated.

Blessings sometimes are just not where you always had them before. They move about, they change.

I guess we all move about and change.

2011 should be an interesting year then.

A real 'mover' and 'shaker'.

I wish you all the very best, in this brand-new, clean-slate, perfect-so-far, year.
(Don't screw it up!)

My long and winding Road, has lead me here.

My last entry was in July. Looking back, I realize just how long I'd been walking uphill. I was tired. I was always tired.

SO...... I looked inward and had a glance outward too-yikes! and summoned the help of the infamous Dr. Bernstein. I decided I was not going to be fat and tired anymore. My inner pou-pounne was screaming to be let out-after all she IS a Montreal girl!!!!

Three months and 40 pounds later (I confess, that its only 35 pounds now--- post Portugal) I AM BACK.

I am a whirling dervish again. I am a fashionista again! NO MORE STANDING IN FRONT OF MY CLOSET WONDERING WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE THE MUFFIN TOP. Egads, I was soooo tired of that daily ceremony. No more spending too much time and money on 'accessories' because I wouldn't admit to myself or the salesgirl that I need a size, well, er, um, 12 or 14 please?

I am free. (insert picture of snoopy dancing here)

Sheesh, it feels so good to share some good news for a change.

still alive and kickin'!

Sorry for the long pause.

As you can read, I survived the week-end I left behind my j.

As parents, sometimes we are forced to make decisions we never even imagined. Who could have predicted that my 16 year old son, would be happier living away from his loving parents with his 22 year old brother. IN ANOTHER PROVINCE. Certainly, I assure you, not I.

I tend not to lament. I learned that lesson the hardest way. The "what if" game is a waste of time, energy and just wounds your soul. All this to say that I do not regret the move we made 3 years ago from Calgary to Victoria. Believe me, it was not easy. We gave up tons.

I think however, the toll on my j was heaviest. He never said so. I guess I never really asked either. But somehow, my j changed. He got darker. More quiet. Spent too much time with his XBox and less time interacting with family and friends.

His former passions waned into obligations. His "heart" left the building.......

He was angry. Removed. Sad.

I am no stranger to the alien behavior of teenagers. j is my third, after all.

But most episodes are just that. They pass. You re-adjust and carry on. Sometimes you carry on with a limp, even a fracture, but somehow you all pick yourselves up and carry on.

For j, it was as if he was trying to carry on with a broken wing. No matter how much we allowed, restricted, bribed, punished, cajoled or hollered, he just wouldn't, or maybe couldn't fly......at least not with us...

Today, one month after he has flown the coop, so to speak, j is happy.

I am grateful to J. He is making a difference in his baby brothers life and doesn't really know how important what he is doing is yet. He is no longer a boy. He is a man. A good man. He has a good heart. As "parent" there is no greater accomplishment.

I am eternally grateful to family in Calgary. They are wise, gentle, accepting, and are lovingly teaching j how to fly on his own.

For my j, I am happy, for he is happy.

And, as a parent that is the bottom line.

What doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger. Uh-huh.

I get it now,

D-day

Im off tonight to Calgary to transfer ownership of my son. NOT literally-but nonetheless, that IS how it feels.

I have been living a world of "paralells". I do the mundane, almost robotic....you know, the laundry, getting up and getting ready for work, making dinner, brushing my teeth etc....and then, I find myself talking in tongues about "transferring legal guardianship". Huh? Transferring what? Of who? NEVER in a million years, did I think THOSE words would trot out of my mouth-certainly not about one of MY own....my flesh and blood. Oh no, not MY family. This stuff happens to, well, you know, "those" families. We all know the ones I mean.


The funniest thing that has happened during this twilight zone period in my life? My marriage is stronger than ever. We have truly found comfort and resolve in eachother again. We are on the same side. For once. I cannot even count the times we have been at odds over parenting. The endless dicussions come fights over the kids. The sleepless nights wondering if we have damaged them for life with our shortcomings. Did we give them too much discipline? Not enough praise? Maybe we should have taken them to Disneyland after all? And on and on it goes.

I know this for sure. Both P and I love, no, adore our j. If we thought that this move wasn't going to be the best possible solution for us at this time-we would not do it. Do we have reservations? Duh. Too mnay to list. But we have faith in both big J and little j. I know we made mistakes, some BIG ones too, but they were all bourne of love. And I can look in any mirror and say "I always tried my very best".

I will survive this week-end.